From the white lights, the darkness comes...

[sageking]

Today's trial was a mixture of regret, anger, guilt, and second-thoughts. Perhaps some people realized that situations and choices weren't to be black or white. However, decisions were made, and whether it'd be through people keeping secrets or causing a ton of chaos...everyone could probably agree on one thing:

They've made their choices and no matter what happened in the coming days, they will lie in the beds they made for themselves. Whatever that should mean for each and every single person still living here.

That being said, there's still new choices to make. In the days to come, what will those be?

Comments

cw: suicide

[cw_suicide]

No.

... I was angry because Rin-chan told me she didn't want to die.

And people who didn't have the reasoning of her being a danger because of the miasma infection argued "because she kept saying she wanted to die."

Ango--and even you, sensei--I don't believe either of you really believed her when she said it. And so, when she presented the reasoning while claiming she was fine with dying...

I can't be so reasonable. People who say "because she said she wanted to die"--they don't understand someone like Rin-chan or like me. Why we would say we want to die, or why we'd turn into such vicious ghosts.

I really just can't stand people who think "this person has no reason or will to live, so let's get rid of them".

[finalring]

Is that what you think my opinion of her was?

[ the question is quiet, perhaps even a little curious. he even tilts his head a little, as much as he can without hurting.

however, he doesn't look like he's about to correct dazai either. maybe he wants to hear more. ]

[cw_suicide]

[he's quiet for a moment because he actually doesn't know how Rin and Romani were like with each other and only has his own experiences with both to really work with--neither of which he's really wholly confident in due to his own lacking in certain areas of understanding why people do the things they do.]

I think... you knew that she was just a girl trying to protect those she cared about before she could do them harm.

Even if that meant doing herself the most harm.

[finalring]

[ well, that isn't too far from the mark. because of that, he looks away from dazai, trying not to show the fact that his pain is not just from a broken bone. ]

And you think I used that against her.

[cw_suicide]

I think you went with the logical solution.

... I'm not so good at that. I did vote for Rosa-san, after all.

[finalring]

It's just...I've been in situations like that before. The whole thing about being a slave to an organization isn't that far from the truth, Dazai. Although I don't know how it was for this Mori, but I didn't exactly have an option when I became leader. I was just...forced into the role, to say the least.

[ he leans back, sighing deeply. ]

But it's so much different when you see it from a privileged place than when you see the consequences of your actions in person. Even if it was the logical decision, I feel like getting shot actually hurt less than watching Rin die. [ a pause. ] That sounds stupid, doesn't it?

[cw_suicide]

... it doesn't.

Not to me, anyway.

Ango probably didn't tell you what happened to force us both out of the mafia if you think I wouldn't understand.

To start with: I wasn't just an executive in the mafia. I was the Boss's right hand, his protege, and the person everyone assumed would take his place if something were to happen. So much so that Mori-san thought I would do the same thing he did to get into power.

[finalring]

N-no, he didn't tell me. He told me about how the Boss used him to bring cult of ability users into your country so he could get a sort of...permit?

[ and he never bothered to ask. it was always better to keep things somewhat impersonal and superficial, after all.

but if dazai was going to tell him, romani wasn't going to stop him. ]

But I suppose you didn't see the same way he did. Or did someone you care about get caught in the crossfire?

[cw_suicide]

[there's at least one thing about this whole experience... it's gotten easier to talk about Odasaku. mixed feelings there as he leans back against the wall, considering how to sum it all up. it's too much to go through everything again.]

Mm, the permit for legitimizing an organization as one special ability users can work for. Mori-san was very efficient with the set up of that particular scenario.

He took power by killing the previous Boss. I was his witness. So he assumed he had a protege that would do the same to him the moment he slipped--said protege was even hanging out in bars with a government spy and a lowly mafia member whose ability made him a formidable assassin. He was also undermining Mori-san's authority by letting lower mafia members gets away with stealing product without being, ah, "properly dealt with".

What he didn't know was I had no interest in assuming power. I was tired of the whole thing. Nothing there gave me a reason to want to continue to live. My friends at the bar were just as burnt out--Odasaku had already stopped killing ages ago and had orphans he'd taken in and wanted to build a life for.

So Mori-san devised this arrangement so that not only did he drive out a spy, but he would eliminate a dangerous underling who lost all reason to live except for killing that cult which was brought in, force out the protege he saw too much of himself in, and gain the permit. All in the name of dirtying one's hands for the sake of the organization.

... I've never. Felt a pain worse than seeing my friend laying in his own blood because I, stupidly, didn't even think Mori-san was the one who set it all up. I went to him to ask him to help Odasaku. And realized it too late.

At least, until I came here, that is.

[finalring]

[ that is...definitely a story. romani watches dazai closely, eyebrows knit together in concern as he listens to the entire thing.

to think that someone would go to those lengths...that's even more than he imagined.

but it's the end that catches romani's attention, and he tilts his head just slightly. ]

Until you came here...? I'm sorry, what do you mean?

1/2

[cw_suicide]

This place... is like a personal hell.

I said as much to Gin-san when he commented on how lucky I was for not being affected by the miasma.

But, you know... Ango... and me. We haven't been close for the past four years. Because of what happened to Odasaku. But in here, we managed to... reconcile, a bit. Just in time for him to be killed like that. Because it was convenient for someone else's benefit.

[the bitterness and sorrow cut through as he says it. he's been trying to keep a lid on it but...]

And I've gotten close to Hitoka here. Marona-chan and Ky-kun and Nanaka-chan and Sissel, even Battler-kun... and the people who've already been lost, they've gone from taking my hand to wanting me to suffer by watching them all die. Again and again.

I never had faith in the Foundation. Not since day one. And every day, it's more like "ah, they just sent me here because I was inconvenient for them. If I die, it won't actually be a loss for them"--but saying as much when everyone is suffering from the miasma--

cw: kind deathwishy

[cw_suicide]

[he cuts off, as if remembering or reminding himself that Romani's also one of those affected. the energy in the negative spiral dies off, but it just leaves Dazai staring at the bodies with the vague despair that he's always carried with him to one extent or another.

smile crossing his face reflexively.]

But... I did promise Odasaku. When he died. That I'd try being on the side that saves. Because maybe that would be better than what I had before.

I don't know if it is or not.

But the thought of dying now, the kind of ghost I'd become--it worries me what it'll do to those people more than what it means for me. If anything, for me it would be such a relief.

I'm tired of losing people, too, sensei.