thefoundation | the truth is, everyone wishes to be saved.

[this laugh is the laugh of a person who doesn't think of himself as person, so like. kinda broke.]

Yachi-chan and I... already have been doing that. I don't know if I have the heart for more of that, I just don't.

[he'll really hate everything if something happens. which means, of course it will.]

[ Oh no. Giving him a squeeze as he buries his face against his hair for a moment ]

Then we'll skip that and just focus on the hard to kill part. People have tried, but I keep coming back.

[famous last words, he doesn't say.

mostly because he is... working on breathing. on heartrate. because he's good at that and having a panic attack is not cool, ok???]

Ah... I guess I can always put that to the test...

[ Don't be panic. It'll be fine. ]

You can put it to the test. I'll even throw in some extra information on top of it if you want.

[I don't really care about that, but no, can't say that. that'll break the kind of. act. going on. to keep him focused.

so, after a moment, the words come out, almost like a child who'd never had good experiences with using words like these:]

It just seems... I always pick the wrong time to reach for things. Or that... whenever I do, they're taken away.

So it's better not to--I was going to go about it that way, but... that's not how it turned out at all.

[and now he has regrets and he really wishes he didn't have these things called emotions boy wouldn't being a being of logic and no feelings be so much better????]

Like your friend before?

[ He's seen him talking to Rin, so it seems like they may have gotten close. While, he always had one of the ninjas as a bunk mate. Haku did remind Wei Wuxian of Dazai during their little talk in the bathroom. This isn't good, huh? ]

[no more words. only nods.

in fact, NOT WRONG ABOUT COMPARING HIM TO THE NINJA. boy just really ~~not really~~ wants to be empty?]

[ Moving his arm up to just gently run his fingers through Dazai's hair. ]

Was there anyone else that you lost?

[not gonna answer that

but the physical touches do have him leaning more as if he just lost the will to keep himself still and upright.]

[ He notices that and will just keep up the steady affection. ]

Haku reminded me of you. We had this talk, while he was soaking his feet in the tub. He said he wanted to be useful.

A tool generally does.

[he... doesn't say "tool" like an insult the way other people would. in fact, there's not even that sentiment of disdain others had about it earlier either.

just.

y'know.

better a tool than nothing?]

[ He notices that, too. Why is he again having Wen Ning flashbacks. ]

Even tools can get hurt and break. They need their own maintenance and care to last.

[... you are speaking Greek.]

[ Leaning his head forward to bump his forehead against Dazai's head. ]

Maybe I should keep hugging you.

[ That's to himself more than to Dazai. How to care for someone broken?
???? he is out of depth. ]

Just are you keep reaching out to others, they are also reaching back for you.

[good question there, bud. Dazai sure wishes he knew the answer to it.]

... is that so?

I guess that is so... though I don't really understand it. It was made pretty clear today that I probably haven't been as useful as I thought.

[... wait. there's probably a better word for this "useful" concept but he seems too burnt out to really think of anything better.]

Like this. [gesturing at them.] Do you just like to dote? I don't know how someone would still have the energy for it...

I'm usually the one being doted on. I thought I'd give it a chance because there's someone I'm friends with that seems to need it more.

[ He's fond of you if that isn't clear, Dazai. ]

You're still very helpful. You raised interesting points in trial, and I know you help a certain few by still being there. I know that's hard for you to really grasp though.

As for my energy levels... sometimes you've seen hell enough times that all you can really do is keep moving.

[oh.

someone who definitely understands that.

can he look anymore bleaker? well...

definitely more pained.]

... she didn't want to die. She told me. Thursday evening.

[Nothing Is Beautiful And Everything Hurts]

Yeah, I had a feeling she really wanted to live. That's why I didn't even think about voting for her.

[ She was young, had a lot to look forward to, and seemed to be full of life before the miasma slammed into her ]

Is that how it'll go now?

People who have those those are suddenly the ones people will view as expendable?

[ha. he should have been top of the list then.]

[ Pausing at that. ]

If that's true, then they would need to vote themselves at some point.

I will admit I am worried about them turning their sights on you next.

[ They seem to be taking Zabuza's suggestion despite Dazai's abilities no longer working for the miasma ]

[oh. good. then he's not just completely paranoid.]

... if something does happen...

I'll look after them both.

[ Giving him a squeeze. ]

Hopefully, it doesn't come that though. I am rather fond of you.

... it's not even that I have a deathwish, necessarily. I guess that's how it plays out but... I really don't... want the suffering involved.

It's a bit stupid. A person who keeps waiting for it all to end, who's definitely made other people suffer needlessly, and there's no painless way out-- [he kind of lifts his hands as if to show off the scarring on his arms but they're covered so like] I couldn't even really hold it against them? An idiot like this doesn't really have a use.

But... I'd be really spiteful about the people they'd hurt with it.

[reasons he would probably be a horrific ghosts actually have zero to do with however bad his death is and more to do with how bad people around him are hurt, lol. ya boi has nothing in him.]

[ He would be on hell of a spiteful ghost. ]

If it comes to that, I do have a few tricks up my sleeve to keep any ghosts away.

[ He has been holding his own abilities close to his chest.

Lifting a hand to walk his fingers down Dazai's arm before circling his fingers around his wrist. Pressing the pad of his thumb against the inside of his wrist to brush the skin there lightly. ]

Besides, it's not really stupid and you still have your own ways you can help.

[ The word is help. Not useful ]

[words are hard?]

... I thought I could help in the trials, but it seems that's not the case anymore. And in the investigations--I disabled a trap but all anyone could focus on was the fact that I got caught by the second. Maybe that's the right way to do it? It's the failures that matter more since that's what costs lives, isn't that right?

[ah, no, he knows that's not quite right--or at least, it wasn't always but it's hard not to slip back into that mentality. being pressed for logical arguments, being questioned on his reasoning for glossing over details... the Agency never really pressed him like that, so it all slides backwards.]

Even my ability can't help with the miasma, or the ghosts from our group. I don't even know if it can help against what was here before we came anymore. I can't... save anyone...

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cw: suicide lol

just keeping suicide label just in case

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