From the white lights, the darkness comes...

[sageking]

Today's trial was a mixture of regret, anger, guilt, and second-thoughts. Perhaps some people realized that situations and choices weren't to be black or white. However, decisions were made, and whether it'd be through people keeping secrets or causing a ton of chaos...everyone could probably agree on one thing:

They've made their choices and no matter what happened in the coming days, they will lie in the beds they made for themselves. Whatever that should mean for each and every single person still living here.

That being said, there's still new choices to make. In the days to come, what will those be?

Comments

[cw_suicide]

Habitually, I'm not.

But I have a lot of vices, and anything harder than this wouldn't help the overall goal, now would it?

[there's a kind of wry edge to his reflexive smile]

[boardreversal]

...Yeah, I guess you're right.

[He is so tempted to grab something, anything, that's left from the liquor cabinet....

Hell, maybe even that poisoned whiskey, if it's all that's left.

But he doesn't. He doesn't, because it'd be too easy to lose himself in it again.

And ultimately, he doesn't want to be his grandfather.]

And - the goal is...to find Sakaguchi-san's notebook, right?

[cw_suicide]

That's the immediate one.

I do still have a promise to another dead friend to keep, also.

[he's doing his besto but people keep dying anyway. haa.]

[boardreversal]

...What is it?

[The promise, he means. Not the dead friend.]

cw: suicide-ish

[cw_suicide]

[well. no reason to keep secrets anymore.

Ango coming on Monday and all.]

... "good" and "bad" aren't concepts that I really believe that strongly in. Whether you kill someone or save them--someone generally ends up dead, right?

I joined the mafia thinking that being so close to situations where humans experience the most intense of emotions because of violence, greed, and survival... maybe it would move me enough to have reason to live.

It didn't work at all. I only found less reasons to want to.

So I thought.

... before Odasaku died, in my arms... he told me to try to be on the side that saves. That it wouldn't help that emptiness, but maybe... it would make me a better man. Just a little.

It's actually a foolish kind of endeavor but... I am still here. Somehow.

[boardreversal]

[...That kind of promise...seemed like a heavy one.

The mafia, the promises of his dead friends....Dazai, too, has been through a lot.

...Still, even though he's trying not to feel...

...he smiles, anyway.]

...I think...he was a good man. That even as he was dying, he still...wanted you to keep going. To be better.

Are you...still going to try? To keep going here, even if it's...?

[Hopeless?]

[cw_suicide]

Why not?

If it's all the same, if it's all going to end miserably...

I don't like pain, but it's all going to end painfully one way or another. There's really no changing that. There are no easy or painless deaths. Only tolerable or intolerable ones.

[boardreversal]

['Why not?'

That - genuinely seems to shock him, even if it's tied with Dazai's suicidal tendencies.

Why not? Why not keep going, even if it's going to end horribly?

...If even...someone like Dazai could think like that...

...What did that make him?]

...I guess...that's right, yeah...

[But it's clear he's a little shaken.]

...And, if it ends painfully, is the journey there - meaningless?

[....Wait, is this the right person to be asking this??]

I-I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that, if you don't want to.

[cw_suicide]

I don't really have an answer.

I don't know the answer to that.

Scary thought, right?

[boardreversal]

[His answer - is just a shaky exhale, combined with him tilting back in the lounge chair, staring up at the ceiling.]

...Yeah. Haha, but...it's....

[A strange, weak smile spreads on his face.]

...It's also a really....freeing one, in a weird way.

To think that the journey might still hold meaning....regardless of the end.

[All this time...even with beatrice, he was only focused on a single goal, almost ignoring every step of the way there.

He gave up because he saw the end, but...maybe, that was the wrong choice.]

[cw_suicide]

Sometimes it's easier to think about the end. Since it's going to happen no matter what you do or whether you choose it.

Thinking about what's going on in the day to day... what you're leaving behind... that's a lot harder for me.

So I try not to think too hard.

[boardreversal]

Not think too hard...I've been trying to do the same.

[And pretend he doesn't care, goes unsaid.

He's not been successful at it.]

...Just...let things happen, trying to do what you can...

[There's a pause.]

...I guess...that might be one of the reasons I haven't tried to drink anything in here.

[cw_suicide]

Alcoholism isn't exactly the best coping mechanism for someone trying not to be self-destructive.

[he's given up on that much, tho, so like...]