the truth is, everyone wishes to be saved.

[finalring]

The execution has come and passed with the death of two more Agents. However time moves on without cease and so must the living. There are no celebrations, only the silence that grows heavier and heavier with every day and the feeling that something is pleased with what it has done.

There are two more days before the new week arrives: what will you do?

Comments

Saturday

[golden_dream]

[She's coming out of the bathroom, looking like the walking dead for all the energy she spent. She actually hangs on to the door handle for a moment, needing to keep her balance before looking up and noticing and registering... him. Dazai.]

...

[She stared right at him, hesitant... if he didn't immediately turn and abandon her, her hand would start to go for her notepad.]

[cw_suicide]

[he doesn't... move. but probably that's because he's also supremely drained, no real expression on his face. just kind of watching her like he's anticipating...? something. sharp words, accusation or... well, actually that's kind of silly of him, he belatedly realizes, because her throat...]

[golden_dream]

[She takes it out, her other hand grabbing her pen, hand quivering, and she writes, before moving closer to show him just what it was she wrote:

"Dazai-san...

Please understand what I was doing.

I was doing everything I could to try to stop what just happened. Please believe me.

I know you probably won't believe me, but that's the truth. I can explain it. Please."]

[cw_suicide]

[... ahhh. he really is tired.]

You riled her up. Made her say it over and over again.

She didn't actually want to die, Rosa-san. But she was scared about what the miasma would do to her. To us.

She was thinking of everyone but herself when she said things like that.

[golden_dream]

[She is too... so much she can't help an anguished expression. She writes:

"I know... I tried. I tried to make her hate me. I never thought there'd be less than two culprits and we'd have to vote someone innocent. I thought 'As long as Rin-chan votes for me out of hatred than herself out of SeLF-lOAthInG EvEeeREYThiNG WilL bE Fine.'"

She had to calm herself, wilting under Dazai's harsh gaze and words.

"Then at the end... everyone was supposed to listen to me... no one was supposed to vote for Rin!"]

[cw_suicide]

Stop.

[the word is practically hissed because... he's not sure he can believe this to be real? there's no way she would risk putting herself at risk, so it's just a double-layered ploy, right?]

If that's how you actually feel about it, then why didn't you stop when I asked the first time?

That was to protect you both. But you snapped at me and continued anyway. And the fact that you kept bringing Rin up even when she would have been included under your "under 20" rule... how am I supposed to view that except as a subtle reminder to everyone what Rin had been saying? How do I... accept that what you're saying now is how it actually was...?

[golden_dream]

[His look, tone, and words, causes her to flinch, wince, and stagger, until she has her face in her hands and she's digging her palms into her eyes sockets... wasn't this seeming too familiar? It was, it was much too familiar.

She finally draws back and writes: "Because it was supposed to work. Because Rin had already been saying she wanted to be sacrificed since the second trial. Because you don't let the little girls die."

...

"I know. I know she was a teenager. But she had her whole life ahead of her... she was entitled to that... she was a sweet girl deep down... we shared a sauna back when we first discovered it together and had a good time... people liked her... how...

I know... I know the worst possible outcome happened... I did my best the best way I knew how... please believe me."]

[cw_suicide]

[really... something just seems to utterly collapse inside him at the words Because you don't let the little girls die. he just seems to stare at the notebook blankly for a long moment, quiet. spoilers: this is not necessarily better than the tense stillness.]

... when people present a seemingly logical reason to do something illogical, they tend to do it.

That's the kind of place we're in.

The rationalization of "she's farthest along with the miasma influence, so that's a danger to us" is better than no reason at all.

And you saw how I was getting hounded for not having logical enough arguments. There was only so much I could do. I didn't want her to die.

[golden_dream]

[Honestly, she barely has the composure to tell. She's reeling herself.]

...

[She writes:

"I know we're in a bad place. I've been in this sort of situation. I know... what it's like... when things don't work out...

And I want to make sure it never happens again."]

[cw_suicide]

... and how do you propose to go about that?

[golden_dream]

...

[She sighs, then writes:

"I want to 'play nice' with you from now on. I'm realizing the strong-arm method is getting old. I really want to think we can cooperate."]

[cw_suicide]

... can we?

Because... if you still bear a grudge for what happened to your throat...

[bets are off.]

[golden_dream]

...

[She blinks, then blinks again. Before writing:

"What are you talking about? This was my own fault. ...I don't blame anyone for this, except myself."]

[cw_suicide]

[after a moment of just standing quietly, he's rubbing at his temples with one hand and sighing.]

No, nevermind.

I'm... much too tired to be thinking about these things right now.

[golden_dream]

[Writing fast, but not frantically, and turning it around before he gets too impatient:

"No, I'm serious! I don't blame Hitoka-chan, much less Battler... I've told Battler that already. It's... not good. But, I'm still alive."

Pause, then she has an epiphany.

"Are you... thinking about Yuri, still... and, therefore I must hate everyone?"

A long pause... before she hangs her head and gives in, writing her next message and hating every second of it.

"All right. I admit it. I hated Yuri, even if it wasn't her fault. But you don't understand... the miasma made me remember something that's haunted me throughout my entire life... I regret it. I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle it... that's the truth."

Then she slowly flips it up, so he can read her next passage.]

[cw_suicide]

[he does but he wasn't lying when he said he was really too tired for this. but he's trying. and he takes the time to read through those words before he puts a hand on the notebook to turn it back to her. gently.]

... I don't share the experiences of people suffering from the miasma, Rosa-san. I'm a complete outsider to a lot of things going on here. So, yes... when I saw that, and hear you be spiteful about kind people trying their best in a bad situation... I get worried for people like Hitoka.

[and if the familiarity there isn't enough to give away just how much shit he will wreck if something happens to her, well...]

If I don't have anything to worry about there, then... fine. I really don't want to fight with anyone here if I don't have to, and I do actually appreciate when you do make efforts.

I'm just... admittedly not so different in the spiteful and petty areas as you. Possibly even for similar reasons but who can say?

[haha how many people here are fucked up because of shit that happened ages ago? answer: so many of them]

But I am trying to be better. Even in spite of this place.

[golden_dream]

[Oh... right. it was all different for Dazai, wasn't it? Battler, too? Yeah... but Battler was becoming one of the most traumatized people here, and...

...oh.]

...

[She nods. Then writes:

"I understand." ... "We're both tired... let's call it a day.

Let's give each other second chances and start off better next time. I promise it'll be different."

Another long nod, then she puts her notepad back because... what else is there to say?]

[cw_suicide]

[sure is hard not to get traumatized when there's literally nothing they can do to help the people around them ahahaha...]

... all right.

[he has no objections to tabling discussions, tbqh.]

[golden_dream]

[Dazai gets one more nod before she'll step aside to let him enter the bathroom... or, failing that, she'll turn for her own room.]