[CONTINUE + 4] Week 1 || Act: mingle

[foundationmods]

Monday comes onto the snowy town once more, though it still looks as if it's 'night' as ever.

Then again, you are underground. That's just to be expected, considering no natural light can get down here in the first place. The Monsters around you are just as friendly as ever, though now there's far, far less of them.

Is time running out for the mission? How many more loops do you have?

...You feel as if something is watching you when you're not looking.

FUN VALUE: 9
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[dereban]

Huh? Is... is that weird?

[She sounds a little surprised herself at it, her eyes widening slightly.]

I just wrote something out at first and then went to reword some things in the first stanza, er - the first four lines?

[But since she does have her notebook out, she's going to start taking some notes.]

Ah... yeah, I meant 'adversary'. That's what I get for not having English as my native language. [Typos, man.] And it is. Atsushi. I was thinking of giving this poem to him, but I wanted it to be something less... like throwing spaghetti at the wall last minute?

But I suppose I should ask - how exactly would you think out the pacing? I was wondering if I should make it longer, or break up the phrases a little more... but I was wondering if it'd ruin the structure.

[ugly_split_ends]

Not weird, per se. Some writers can really c-crank it out. Some are methodical. That you did it in an hour means you were in the right 'mood,' for poetry, I think.

Hm. Think of it like a typewriter. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, DING. You need to keep track of how many syllables you're using, where the stress is, and how it sets up your next line. It doesn't have to be consistent, but the fourth line here, for example, the structure gets wordy enough it distracts from the mood. Is the sorrow from no longer being able to see the moon? Because seeing the moon is such a normal, natural thing, and we're in such an unnatural situation, the realization you can't see it, that unnerves you? That's the impression I took, but I think you can find a simpler way to say it. More direct.

[dereban]

Ah, I think I get it...

Honestly, I'm so used to being too direct that I thought that it might sound a little too blunt, which wouldn't have worked either.

[She has her pencil in her hands already, twirling it idly as she squints at the line.]

I did want to emphasize the 'full moon' specifically though since it's a poem for him. But maybe shortening the phrasing? Maybe switch out the third line to set up for the fourth, too.

[There's the sound of pencil on paper as she does some revisions to the first four lines:]

Rain falls outside the windowpane;
As I look up at the colors of the sky,
The only thing I feel is pain,
Even as I kiss the full moon good-bye.

Something like that, maybe?

[ugly_split_ends]

....Hm. That's definitely better, pacing-wise. There might be a more aesthetic or symbolic way to show it's a full moon without writing "full moon." Something round. "As the moon's light avoids my eye." The 'eye' is round, so it gives the image of a full moon.

You're using raindrops for imagery, right? Imagine the sound of rain falling as the pacing... that might be a bit better way to set your meter.

[dereban]

That makes sense... describing a word without having to say it outright, I think it could work.

I was using the raindrops to set the mood... like how do I say it? Starting from a low point and ending high is what I wanted to go for. Like you start at the heights of despair and then end with a potential for hope.

[ugly_split_ends]

... [That gets a little bit of a double-take.]

Depths of despair.

[dereban]

[She... notices that double take, but says nothing of it.]

Ah, yeah, that's it. Alliteration is also a thing people use... I really need to brush up on things, huh.

[Just going to let out a slightly self deprecating laugh.]

[ugly_split_ends]

...It's not that, it's agreement of the imagery. When people talk about "highs" and "lows," the highs are good and the lows are bad. Similarly, when one "falls" it means they're losing their hopes.

If you're getting an emotional high from despair, you're some sort of crazy person who must be stopped.

[dereban]

Some people just like to watch the world burn.

[Himeko states that rather impassively with a bit of a sigh.]

I was thinking that the situation is like that. That there is someone out there that enjoys seeing horrible things happen to people... or maybe, 'horrible things happening to people they see as fictional'.

[ugly_split_ends]

Ennnnngh... when you put it like that, it just makes me worried about every character I created who I ever tortured. --As an author, I mean.

[dereban]

Well - that's just the kind of scenario we're in, I think.

Not that I didn't already know that I was 'fictional', in a sense... but my world still exists, it still matters. My emotions and feelings still hold meaning, both for myself and other people.

[ugly_split_ends]

...I don't like to think of it. I'd rather think of 'fiction' in this case as being a gateway into another universe. That's basically what it is, right? A-Anyway, it doesn't solve my problems.

[dereban]

Trust me: most of us don't want to think about it.

And I suppose that's true. I don't think I can come up with any sort of solution for that problem, though.

[ugly_split_ends]

Nggggh... I was talking about my personal problems!

[dereban]

... That's why I said I can't come up with a solution for it?

[Fukawa, please.]

[ugly_split_ends]

I've got a lot more than one!

[dereban]

I can't help you with your other problems if you don't tell me what those are...

[ugly_split_ends]

You can't guess? Besides my split personality, and just... lack of any way to deal with people?