dr. romani archaman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
finalring) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefoundation2020-05-16 07:53 pm
finalring) wrote in thefoundation2020-05-16 07:53 pm
Entry tags:
are we actually living? or are we being kept alive?
After the execution, the survivors are dismissed to rest in preparation for the next week. The miasma curls and turns into each room, letting fall a cold and oppressive atmosphere that fills every corner of the place.
And yet, even in a place that has caused so much grief, life must go on. Thirteen has always been considered to be an unlucky number, but that is the number of people that are left--what will you do, in this false calm?
no subject
You sound so surprised?
[he kind of. vaguely gestures at his ever dwindling number of bandages. they still cover the most of him, though.]
If you can consider such an existence "living". But in recent years, it's been--ah, "easier" isn't really the right word, but I have come to find that groups of people who know how this sort of pain feels like tend to do well for one another.
Even here, I'm always surprised when someone's pulling me back from a terrible edge. Even Romani-sensei has done that somewhat before.
no subject
[ the more that dazai talks, the more confused that he looks. he never thought that he was doing such a thing after all...or at least did not think that dazai would put any importance in someone like himself.
he gulps, looking at him with a troubled expression. ]
I honestly don’t know... it’s so much easier when you’re separated from everything and watching behind a screen. This sort of pain... it feels like it’s going to crush me alive. I have no idea how you’re able to do it.
[ he needs another drink. and he’ll be taking that bottle to do just that! ]
1/3
2/3
[he totally does say this in the most dramatic fashion, way more over the top than Romani did at the time but the tone is there along with the clenched fists bouncing lightly against the table's top]
3/3
That sort of thing coming out of nowhere... for someone like me, or for the well over a dozen people this group has had who have lived lives of being separated out--whether it's your kind of situation or being treated as a tool... it can make someone "other" feel like "belonging". Or "being valued". Especially as something a bit more or closer to "human".
[we'll get to the "how are you able to do it" thing in a bit because uh, spoilers: he's quite bad at it. lol.]
no subject
[ he barely even remembered that. romani's eyes widen when dazai brings that up, almost like he had gotten smacked in the face with it.
the reason he had forgotten about it was because he hadn't given it that big of an importance. his feelings have never been important to romani, and he had always preferred to swallow them down in favor of at least trying to give the air of someone that is put together.
but what dazai says...makes sense. in a way. it was like the piece that romani was missing had finally been given to him. ]
I didn't realize that it was like that at all. [ he breathes in, looking away out of a mix of shame and embarrassment. ] But you're right. Sacrifices hurt too much because every person is so valuable.
no subject
And it's part of the whole secret, I suppose. How to keep going day to day with these terrible things locked up inside. I'm not very good at it. Obviously. In fact, I'm probably the worst at it. I don't have the words or emotions to let known a lot of things.
But y'know... earlier this week, I think? Battler-kun asked me about continuing on even if the end is known. My answer was something I thought was fairly frivolous. "Why not?" If the end is miserable and painful no matter what--there's no such thing as a painless death. I've looked. They all hurt and they all leave bodies which effect the people around you. If that's so, then there's no such thing as a good or bad death. Only tolerable and intolerable ones.
Oddly... I think he seemed to take some comfort in that.
no subject
he'll have another drink to that, bro. ]
I guess there really is no other way but onward. I feel like I keep losing sight of my goal but...when I'm told these kind of things I remember that I can't let any of their deaths be in vain.
[ he closes his eyes, giving dazai a pained smile. ]
Or maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know.
no subject
[he'll yoink back the bottle for his own drinking, but easily gives it back over with a bit of a rueful laugh.]
Everyone's selfish. Isn't it selfish of the Foundation to have you sitting behind monitors all the time so you end up having to have this hard experience? Isn't it selfish of the world to want to be prioritized when we small group of people are struggling for our lives?
Sure, it's selfish to not want things to be in vain. But if everything and everyone is selfish, why not also be a little selfish? It might even be a bit foolish to think that we can do anything to change that--but I dunno... I happen to like foolish people like that, myself.
no subject
[ but for romani, he does not see selfishness as something that is inherently 'okay'. not that it is 'bad' either, but his selfishness feels almost like...a mistake. proof of his cowardice.
when dazai puts it that way, however, it's almost as if he were shining that same concept under a different light. one that romani could not understand so well. ]
What do you think, Dazai? Do you think we can change things?
no subject
So there's always a possibility.
[but he's not an optimist. nor does he think they'll get out unscathed.]
Whenever that sort of thing's happened in the past--it's never something that was entirely planned for.