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thefoundation2020-05-09 08:59 pm
sageking) wrote in thefoundation2020-05-09 08:59 pm
Entry tags:
From the white lights, the darkness comes...
They've made their choices and no matter what happened in the coming days, they will lie in the beds they made for themselves. Whatever that should mean for each and every single person still living here.
That being said, there's still new choices to make. In the days to come, what will those be?
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romani doesn't look like he's in the biggest mood to talk, considering the whole 'broken collarbone after getting shot' thing, but he supposes that, if battler is here, it has to be to be angry at him.
he feels as if he deserves it, so he's not going to drive battler away. ]
You can say whatever's on your mind, Battler.
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At the same time...he takes out a single syringe.
One that might look a little familiar to Romani, because....Rin showed him what it was, before.]
....There's not a lot left. But...it should be enough to help a little bit with the pain, or make it more tolerable.
[He pauses.]
If you give me instructions on how to inject you safely, then I'll follow them. I promise.
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[ the look on romani's face as he notices the syringe on battler's hand is...one of absolute surprise. of course he remembers rin's issue with her pain when she was trying to inject herself but...
his jaw tightens, and he has to hold himself back from crying, but he settles his good hand over battler's. ]
Save it. Please. Not because I don't trust you--you need to save that in case someone else ends up hurt. We don't have many supplies left so... don't use it on me.
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[That's...a voice full of something, there. Pain, maybe. Or a mix of a bunch of different emotions that he can't really name.
But it's enough to make him shake his head.]
Please. Just let me do this one thing.
[...And maybe, his own hand is trembling, too.]
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...Here. Let me move, then.
[ he moves to sit at the edge of the bed, that way battler has access to his left arm-- the one that isn't fucked up. with his good hand, he takes off his hairband, handing it to battler. ]
Use this as a band to wrap around my upper arm. That should act as a sort of tourniquet so the vein becomes more visible. From then on, you'll probably be able to see the veins more clearly. That's where you'll inject. Okay?
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It'll take a little bit for it to kick in, but it should at least take the edge off - and when it's finished, he even holds a piece of clean linen to the injection site, like how you're supposed to.
...But he still holds onto the syringe, as if he's worried it'll suddenly break or disappear.]
...Thank you.
[For what?
It's not clear.]
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[ romani says it without really thinking, but it's obvious that battler has thrown him quite the curveball there. ]
Why?
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[It's small, but...
His hand's still trembling.]
I heard you scream, at the trial....and, instead of feeling...vindicated, I just felt afraid. Seeing you hurt, I...I hated it. I hate it.
And....I just found myself - coming here, with what little medicine Rin still had...because she wouldn't want you in pain, either. Or, maybe that's just my own...wishful thinking...
[He's tearing up, now.]
...I...should be mad at you, right? You....hurt me, so badly...yet, whenever I think about it, I just feel like someone's stabbing me in the chest. Even now, I...
I'm just....happy that finally, I could help you.
...Isn't that...weird...? Maybe I really am just....damaged. Or a masochist - hahaha, maybe that's it...It'd explain - a lot -
['....Ah, I can't....speak anymore.
There's this choking sensation in my throat, like someone's gripping me from the inside...
...']
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[ romani’s heart sinks further and further into his chest and stomach as battler struggles to explain himself. he settles his one good hand on battler’s, if only just to keep him from moving so much.
the painkillers... they help. he still hurts, of course, but now it’s.... just a little closer to bearable. ]
Battler, you are not damaged. I don’t care what anyone says, because you are somebody that is going through a terrible situation. You know who’s really damaged? Those that can watch everything happen and not bat an eyelash.
[ ... ]
I’m sorry for... what I did.
[ and while he’s trying to keep himself from crying, the way he hangs head and his shoulders shake is indicative that he is very close to crying. ]
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He'd said it before, on that day - but now, it's like it's really sinking in. Those tears - finally start spilling over, because he can't...contain them in anymore.
But it's also still so hard to figure out what's even happening. What does he feel in this situation? Happy? Sad? Angry? Upset? Relieved? All of them, all at the same time?]
Romani...sensei.
[But, there's something at the forefront - past all the pain and mixed feelings, all the questions he wants to ask and even the darker side urging him to lash out to relieve the hurt that he's pushing down.]
....I...
[He stops, wrestling with it. It'd be the last thing he could withhold - let Romani suffer with it, just let the moment pass him by...lord over this moment.
...But that'd just be him, continuing his family's legacy, wouldn't it? All the pain being cycled over and over, to the extreme he's seen and experienced in Rosa.
And he...doesn't want that. Because....Romani's also been suffering, hasn't he? He's finally...finally, showing a little bit of it, after all this time.
So -
He takes a breath, then another.
And he says it.]
...I...I know. And I....I forgive you, Sensei.
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[ no wonder they've always said how important it is to forgive each other. the moment that he hears those words come from battler, it's like a dam that finally breaking. he sobs out loud once before his hand goes to cover his mouth, closing his eyes shut as the tears finally overflow and fall on his lap.
but with his eyes closed, all he can see is the body of rin--or whatever was left of it after zabuza had chewed her in half--and the way he had cried over that just one week prior.
two of your number broke the tie--
it's all because of him, isn't it?
and yet, battler is willing to forgive something like that? something as awful as that?
part of romani wants to keep apologizing, but he's not sure that he'll be able to say anything if he takes his hand away from his mouth. so he says nothing at all, crying in silence. ]
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but that's okay. None of them are strong. They've all....hurt each other, suffered together. He gave up, let himself hurt and do foolish things, but they're all hurting, and a lot of them are struggling in a way he can't understand.
Isn't allowed to understand.
So - the most he can do, is -
He comes forward, being as careful of Romani's wounds as he hugs the other man, his own tears still spilling down.]
...I'm sorry, too.
[For what? There's a lot.
But mainly....for giving up. For the pain Romani had to feel, the guilt, because he also cared for Rin, too, and he had to vote for her and watch her death.]
...You also....suffered, from having voted for her....right...?
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but it doesn't last long. maybe a minute or two at most, before the doctor pulls back, his expression meek- like as if all the fight was about to leave him.
he's so close to giving up, after all...can he really do this for much longer? especially like this?
... ]
I'm sorry I...shouldn't have done that. [ he sniffles again, trying to compose himself. and he does so! rather quickly, too. compartmentalizing is something he's rather good at, even at the cost of his own stability.
not the point. ]
I actually...a couple days before that happened, I had spoken with Rin. I think that she expected what would happen on Saturday, because she gave me something that she said was for you. It's in my diary on the desk...the paper's sticking out. I promise I haven't read it.
[ and, just as he says, there's a diary that has a white, folded paper that's sticking out like a sort of bookmark. ]
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It's okay, Sensei....I don't mind.
[In truth, he really didn't. He would have stayed there, as long as Romani wanted...but that wasn't the man wanted, so he won't push.
It's still too fragile between them to push right now.
Though when Romani says that - his eyes go wide, head immediately snapping to the desk.]
You...T-then, I can...?
[Go and get it, he tries to say, but it's like the words have caught in his throat.]
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[ he nods, pointing at the diary. ]
I hope it’s a nice message, at least. It’d be bad if I saved it for nothing.
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What does it say?]
1/2
Dear Battler,
If you’re reading this, then it’s likely that I’m dead. Actually, this is the only reason you’d be reading this, unless you’ve been snooping around Sensei’s stuff because he died. If that’s the case, then I’ll just have to write another letter and scold you.
If it isn’t and I’ve actually died, which is likely, then I wanted to tell you this one more time before you weren’t able to see me anymore.
No matter what happens, I’ll always love you, Battler. And even if you can’t see or feel me around, just know that I’ll always be watching over you.
I’ve never been really good at letters, now that I think about it. But because it’s on paper, it’s bound to last, right? That way you can always read this.
With love,
Rin ♡ ]
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What does it say?
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Mostly...because he's too busy pressing the letter to his chest and weeping, shoulders shaking.
When he does seem to remember...he turns around, a thankful smile on his face past the tears.]
Sensei....thank you. Thank you...so much....
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even if it did require some stretching of the truth. ]
All I did was pass the message. I don't need thanks for that.
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[He comes back over, sitting down and trying to wipe his eyes.]
Thank you...for keeping this for me. And...
['...
I'm...afraid, to ask this, but....
I have to.']
...Can we...be friends, again?
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[ he wishes that he could bring himself to say no. at least, that way, it won't hurt as much if or when battler dies...
but romani also knows that's not true. it's far too late to worry about whether or not it won't hurt-- because he cares about battler. ]
If you really want to be friends with someone like me...then I'd be more than grateful, Battler.
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[There's such a note of relief behind it - because Romani was one of the people here he cared for the most. As time ticked downward, and more and more of them were lost...In the end, he couldn't stop himself from caring about everyone, could he?
Especially not when his heart had been reawoken like this, proving to him that he....
'They're....people.
I can't shut them away, or tell myself otherwise.
...because, I care about all of them...So -']
And...I'm grateful, too, for the same reasons.