dr. romani archaman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
finalring) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefoundation2020-05-02 07:08 pm
finalring) wrote in thefoundation2020-05-02 07:08 pm
Entry tags:
the truth is, everyone wishes to be saved.
The execution has come and passed with the death of two more Agents. However time moves on without cease and so must the living. There are no celebrations, only the silence that grows heavier and heavier with every day and the feeling that something is pleased with what it has done.
There are two more days before the new week arrives: what will you do?
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[His voice is -
Still.
Quiet, even.
And cold.]
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... people who would have used the same logic Rin-chan did when arguing for it herself.
Even though it wasn't what she wanted at all... she did have a reasonable argument.
For the record, I did not vote for her. But the person I voted on still would have hurt you if they'd gotten three more votes.
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[There's a pause, as he takes that in.
When he speaks again, it's still cold.]
...Yeah, it would have. But - I'm....used to seeing her dead more than not. I...would've cried, but...
[Rin was a new, unprepared pain - one that lanced right through him, that he couldn't protect himself by rationalizing it away.]
...And now, I can't....even see her. Like you and the rest can. And I can't even disarm a trap, right...?
I'm an idiot. I promised her I'd keep her from being voted out - but when it came down to it, I...wanted to still believe in everyone...
[...]
...I...should have told everyone to vote for me, if...I really wanted to save her.
1/2
[he turns more toward him, making sure that the red head is actually looking at him before he continues:]
... I won't apologize for this, since Rin-chan also wouldn't.
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Who do you think would be crying if you had people do that instead?
Idiot!
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And then -
His vision jolts to the side, his eyes going wide at the slap - and the Words.
Though they're said in Dazai's voice, for a second...
'....Ah....
It's like....she's really...']
2/2
This is Dazai, not Rin.
It's a reminder of her, and any other time, it might've gotten him to wake up, to think about it.
But right now, after everything -
There's only anger and pain.
His expression distorts as he suddenly whips a hand out, looking to grab Dazai's collar and tug upwards, getting to his own feet.]
Then what else should I do, Dazai-san?! Huh?! What the hell else should I do, what am I even good for?! I can't see anything, I can't listen on meetings, I can't help anyone!!
[Tears start to flow down, again - but this time, they're tears of rage and all the self-loathing he's accumulated.]
The person I loved is gone because I was too indecisive! And unlike everyone else, even you, I'll never see her again!! There's nothing I can see to fight or argue against, and I'm going to watch everyone die in front of me without being able to do anything to even try and help, again!!!!
So tell me!! Go ahead, I'm all ears, just fucking say it!! WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO?!
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he doesn't fight back
barely even bothers to support his own weight
doesn't really have an expression to him--gone blank the moment he saw the expression on Battler's face change
ah, it's really not too bad, maybe. if Battler can still get so angry over something like that, if he's able to yell and scream and demand what else there is, then it's not as bad, right?
not as bad as someone who's stopped listening and turned and walked off without another word or glance back...
it all comes out in calm, measure tones--or to be more exact, monotonous. there's no feeling to the words. he's numb to emotions in this moment. if only to stop from thinking about how easily he could let Battler just take all his anger out on him. it'd be so easy, really.]
... if we manage to find the source of all of this, then a person with negation abilities would be best suited to try to stop all of this. Even if you don't believe you have such an ability--that won't matter, and in the event that you can't see the source, you just have to trust in the people around you who say it is there.
After this last trial... there's every chance there's a number of people starting to think that I'd be a good sacrifice in the event that we don't have a murderer to execute. I keep being injured, I'm just as much out of the loop as you are when people communicate in ways that won't work with my ability, people aren't supporting my arguments in the trials and are actively trying to pressure me into making mistakes... I wouldn't even be surprised if I was one of the people voted on?
Rin-chan wanted people to get out of here alive. She told me as much--the reason she kept saying that she should be picked if this scenario happened was because the miasma's influence on her was stronger than any of the others. She didn't want to hurt people, didn't want the miasma to make her hurt people.
In the same vein, that's also what I want. But if I die because of some political agenda or because I'm convenient, then you're the only option they have left.
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Dazai most likely meant it in the best of ways, being the backup for him - but hearing that, as well as what Rin wanted...hearing that Dazai fears for his life, and thinks he won't soon be around.
All it does is affirm what he's thought - that in end, all he is, is...someone who's a backup at best. Someone who can't be allowed to die, just because of that...because if someone more valuable goes, he'll be needed.
It hurts. Because it just goes back to the first thing, doesn't it? He's going to be forced to watch this all play out and still have nothing to fight against that he can see or even help everyone else out with.
So, he just....lets go, soundlessly, before going back and sitting on the bed and staring down at the floor without a word.]
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he's made a misstep. a miscalculation. he shouldn't be here. he wasn't ever going to be able to solve this. he can't save anyone. he already knew that. he's not sure why he tried but he still felt... like he should?
he quietly gets to his feet, not even bothering to fix his collar--there's no real point to.]
... more importantly... you're someone who can better understand a lot of the people still here.
I'm... not someone who can.
[which is probably why it's going to end up that way.]
Probably someone else has some better advice on the matter, so... listen to them. Or, don't listen to me. Either way, those people who have cried with you will just cry more if you just give up here.
[he fucked up he fucked up, it's time to leave before he breaks it more.]
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And...even in these depths of despair, he very...nearly does. A hand suddenly reaches out, trying to grab at something of Dazai's to stop him.
'I'm...not someone who can.'
It's...too close. They're too close, him and Rin - that was probably why they talked so much, wasn't it?
...For himself, he'd never crawl back out. But for someone else...]
...Wai...Wait, Dazai....
[It's weak, but he's making the attempt, even if he fails.]
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he has just enough to slap that age-old smile onto his face as he looks back. practiced. nearly flawless if not for the edge of brittleness at the corners.]
The rooms are switching tonight. So be sure to get back to your room before too long.
[and then he's. going. bye.]