dr. romani archaman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
finalring) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefoundation2020-05-02 07:08 pm
finalring) wrote in thefoundation2020-05-02 07:08 pm
Entry tags:
the truth is, everyone wishes to be saved.
The execution has come and passed with the death of two more Agents. However time moves on without cease and so must the living. There are no celebrations, only the silence that grows heavier and heavier with every day and the feeling that something is pleased with what it has done.
There are two more days before the new week arrives: what will you do?
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...I don't...want any.
[His head hurts, and his stomach is angry, but it's able to collide with the sheer emotional pain he's dealing with inside - and cancel it out, just a little.]
....Please give it to someone else.
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[ the fight between walking away and persisting is a fierce one. it keeps romani in his place, jaw locked as he tries to focus on something other than the guilt in his chest. ]
You cannot lose this fight. Rin fought for all of us, and she wouldn't want us to give up. She wouldn't want you to give up. Not like this.
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[He shakes his head.]
She didn't...want to die. But, she couldn't....forgive herself....
[He seems to curl in on himself, in agony.]
...I should've...said something....but I didn't....I thought...I wanted to believe....that everyone would be able to see it....but I was an idiot. A big...goddamn idiot....and now, she's....gone....
How can I....fight for anyone...when, I....
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[ this time, his name comes out softer, more gentle. he had an idea of rin's fear. of her wish. the wish that he ripped away with his decision to vote for her.
it's a decision that he can't take back--that he won't take back. but part of that means having to accept the consequences of his actions. and live through them.
swallowing down the guilt, he approaches the guest bed, sitting down at the edge. ]
She wanted...to give her sister a better life. To the point that she was willing to sacrifice herself for that person's sake. Rin tried to act aloof, but she was always hurting. She thought that this was her way of repenting.
[ ... ]
We can't let her memory end here.
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[There's a moment of something sharp when he says that, and he actually sits up, showing -
....just how emotionally devastated he is, but more than that...]
That's all I have left, Sensei. Unlike you, and everyone else here...I can't even see her when she shows up again. I can't see anyone who's died, or anything else...I can't hear them, or touch them, or anything!
Even if this place apparently twists them...I can't even see her again!! And It's not just that. I messed up a trap, and my Aunt almost died. I can't listen in on meetings, I can't see the 'Vessel' or hear them, I can't do anything anyone else can...!!! I, I...
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[He collapses in on himself, holding his head in in hands and weeping.]
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[ romani doesn't know what to do. not in this situation, faced with such raw emotions from someone that...deserved far better than that. ]
Rin knew that you were an incredible person, and she wouldn't have accepted if any of us had even thought about voting for you. [ hesitantly, he settles a hand on battler's shoulder. ] No matter what...whatever we did was going to bring pain. That's what it wants.
[ .... ]
You should grieve. Cry and scream as much as you think is necessary. But please, please Battler. Don't give up.
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He can't speak, lost in the ebb of his own sorrow, the currents sweeping him away and making it feel like he's drowning. Like he's lost the last bit of land under his feet, and now he has to save himself or die.
But he can't find which way is up, except...]
...Sen, hic.....sensei.....Please....
[He doesn't even know what he's asking for, but there's such a desperateness that is as sharp as a knife contained in that single word.]
...I....I won't.....I won't, so....please...
['don't die.']
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this is what he helped cause. now he has to deal with the consequences, even if it feels like a hot knife that is tearing into him repeatedly.
i'm sorry.
i had to do this. ]
I won't go anywhere, Battler. We'll make it out of here. I know we will.
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[His only response is a tightening of his grip, as he rides out everything, lets everything out.
When he finally does stop, and manages to detach himself...he looks at Romani, right in the face, tears still dripping down and face flushed, but...
...There's a little life back in his expression, as he gives the smallest, weakest smile.]
...Thank you....Sensei. I....I really do...appreciate you telling me that.
...Thank you....for being here....
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when battler pulls back, romani tries his best to smile back at him. it's a small, uncertain smile, but he wants to try the best.
after doing what he did to battler, that's the least he could do. ]
I'll do my best, Battler. I won't give up on anyone in this group. I promise.
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[His smile is...so, so sad, but there's the flicker of genuine happiness that always has, even so.]
...I'm glad...that at least, you're still here....As bad as this, if I had lost....my friend, too...? I don't...think I would've...been able to handle it....
[He wipes his eyes on his arm, sniffling.]
...Thank you. For being my friend, Sensei...Just in case....I don't get to tell you that.
[Because...anything could happen, next week.]
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[ i don't deserve to be your friend, battler.
and battler's smile is genuine-- enough to make it hurt. ]
You're welcome, Battler. I'm here to do the best for you and the group.