nobody's in the mood for recording 6.9: the post-trial garden tea "party"

[tsunderine]

The flowers that bloomed at the end of the trial are ones that only seem to prove, continuously, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Of course, it's only natural that many of the people are full of mixed emotions - grief? sadness? anger? frustration? maybe something else completely different?

But it's there, along with the end of the week.

Miasma still continues to be around, of course - but make use of the fact that this might be the last time it'll be at a low level one before it shoots up again.


Well.

Life continues as usual, disregarding any feelings that any of the house's occupants might be feeling.

So what are you doing these next two days?

Comments

[notbymyside]

...but you want to tell her details. Details which involve me, which is why you're mentioning it to me.

[cw_suicide]

... you feel awkward about the situation, don't you?

I don't think she'll change her opinion on you all that much, to be honest.

[a pause as he looks away and pulls a drag from his cigarette before exhaling the smoke]

In any case, even if you had a hand in it, we both know who's really at fault for it.

[spoilers: it's him.]

[notbymyside]

[Of all the discussions he wants to have right now, this is definitely not one of them. It's taking all of his willpower to not yeet himself out of his body and astrally project his way out of the situation.]

Dazai-kun. You spent four years refusing to talk to me over this, and then when you finally spoke to me again it was to get me into a car crash.

I already know you're still bitter over what happened. You don't have to pretend.

[cw_suicide]

You wouldn't have had the plausible deniability to assist me in arranging things for Kyouka-chan if I hadn't done that.

[blunt because. maybe there was spite there but also...]

We're likely to die in this place. It seems stupid to keep misdirecting and denying. Not that I don't have resentment, but that just made you convenient, too.

[notbymyside]

We're not going to die here.

[He says that firmly.]

...and I can't accept that sudden resolution to the very foundation of our relationship over the last four years.

[cw_suicide]

Do you know what the truly bitter thing I've lingered on for four years has been?

Not once--not once in those two years did you say anything about how it would look to Mori-san that I was around the two of you. And why is that? Because it would compromise your mission.

Oh, I know even then, I'd probably give you the same line I gave my subordinates--"Ehh? So that's how other people see it?" and such. But they also never mentioned Mori-san or how he would see something like me hanging around a former assassin and a government agent on my off-hours.

Maybe you can comfort yourself by saying "he was caught in the crossfire" but the reality was he was the target all along to force me out, wasn't he?

[notbymyside]

[Wow that is R U D E

And Ango thought he could handle it, but. No. The wound is still too fresh.]

See? We can't even talk about it yet without getting at each other's throats.

[He's going to move to stand up now too.]

[cw_suicide]

[Dazai's not going to stop him but he will quietly say:]

You were gone. Odasaku wouldn't hear me...

Running back to the person who orchestrated the whole thing, begging being allowed to take a unit to assist, without even realizing what was actually happening until the envelope was shown--do you know how that feels, Ango?

[it's him. he's the fool. and he's done it again. just following what he was told to do, trying to minimize the damages and all he did was accidentally pull the trigger on someone he was considering a friend.

he's... doing really badly. actually.]

[notbymyside]

[He's on his feet, but he stops when he hears that quiet confession. Ruminating on it for a moment, he struggles over what he should even say. Part of him wants to just give up, to keep his pain inside and never let it show. But would that be fair to Dazai? To keep coming back time and time again to help Dazai, without ever really explaining himself?

...

The answer is spoken calmly, but loud enough for Dazai to hear, even without Ango turning around to face him.]

Of course I know. I know better than anyone.

I was supposed to die in that fire, Dazai-kun. Odasaku wasn't supposed to show up and save me. And each and every person involved in that plot- excluding you and Odasaku- knew it. Even my superiors in the government.

I spent months knowing I was a sacrificial lamb for their schemes. How could I not know? I saw all of their plans the moment I touched a paper, or a desk, or anything else. I spent months trying to find a way to save myself, without risking either of the two of you. That's why I didn't tell you two: I didn't want either of you to burn with me.

[And a fat lot of good that did, with one friend dead and the other holding a grudge.]

[cw_suicide]

[ah... right. that all makes sense, doesn't it. Ango resigning himself to his fate without saying a word--maybe even believing that if he did well enough, his superiors would let him go without being sacrificed.

Dazai's hand twitches, like he wants to reach out but would it do anything? he's just going to lose it all again. they're going to die here, he's pretty certain.

a broken laugh comes up instead.]

How stupid... Mori-san put Odasaku on your case. There was no way Odasaku wouldn't have tried everything to get you out. Even if you didn't explain it all--that was the case, wasn't it?

It's the exact opposite. I didn't see any of it. Even this part of it. How stupid... I'm... really stupid, aren't I?

[notbymyside]

We're all stupid. All three of us got played like fiddles.

[Mori knew exactly how to play the three of them off of each other in just the right way to get exactly what he wanted. And because the three of them were so afraid of losing their friendship, none of them ever talked about their problems.

A tragedy in three parts: Ango, Dazai, and Odasaku.

Finally, Ango glances over his shoulder, back to Dazai. If none of this truly matters and they're all going to die, then is there any harm in talking through things?

Or maybe the better question is, can both of them stop being stupid about their feelings for long enough to even have a talk?]

[cw_suicide]

[good question because Dazai is the definition of misery at that moment, though with that smile still fitted onto his face, and doesn't even see Ango looking at him because the man may never cry but he sure can look terribly close to wanting to.]

Ahhh... that's true... and I won't even be able to get Mori-san back for it, now. Even if we get out of here, the chances of getting back home...

Even Yachi-chan pointed that one out...

[i mean. there are. so many odds against them surviving at all, so like.]

[notbymyside]

Are slim to none, I know. They talk about finding ways for us to go home, but it's not as simple as flipping a switch, is it?

Even so...living some kind of life in this world, would that have been so bad?

[He just...wanted to live. And maybe make amends with Dazai, given that they both worked for the same organization now. But even that is shot.]

[cw_suicide]

... I actually wanted to try to give it a shot, you know?

After we got in here.

But I figured... I already made too much of a mess with my behavior before I was sent out.

[notbymyside]

Then let's try again after we get out.

[Is it foolish to say something like that, knowing that they'll likely die here? Maybe. But having something to look forward to might keep them both motivated.]

[cw_suicide]

[... well now they're definitely going to die.

and Dazai doesn't look any less miserable but he's still nodding]

[notbymyside]

[Yep. They're gonna die.

But maybe it's better not to dwell on that for however long it takes for them to actually die.

And once Dazai nods, Ango will finally hold out his hand to Dazai, offering him an easy way up to his feet.]

[cw_suicide]

[there's the thought that if he stands now, he won't be able to keep to his feet, but...

he takes the hand and works to pull himself up. unsteady and not as sure-footed as he usually is, even when drunk, but... progress.]