( week 4 afterparty ) and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

[respring]

The trial was certainly to bring about despair for the ones remaining, if not confusion. After such a loss, Nirrti took the last of Syaoran's execution for herself, saving Watanuki from the pain. What motive did she have? Did anyone's words manage to reach her? 🗈

Well, that all was suitably horrific! Honestly, Sakura kind of just wants to ball up in her room and not come back out, but when she thinks about doing that, she remembers the last words she exchanged with Syaoran. Not just Watanuki, not just Nirrti, not just herself...there were too many people here who knew what loneliness felt like, and after something like that, they were liable to feel even more cripplingly alone.

So, against the grain of her usual behavior, Sakura will seek out anyone who looks like they might feel better having some company, and ask them to come to the dining room. She set out the breakfast foods she'd made the day before, reheated but no less delicious.

Please, don't go through this alone.

Comments

[cryosurgeon]

... do you remember the day we arrived here, what you said to me? And what you've said to me since then, about letting myself feel?

[fullbodied]

Yes, of course.

I can't forget it.

[cryosurgeon]

Feeling anything started to hurt when I began to look around and realize that everyone here was closer with other people. I know it's my fault, that I haven't been trying hard enough.

[His hands are still steady and so is his voice. It's something in the words that feels unsettled.]

And at this point, I feel it's too late. Especially after today.

[fullbodied]

It's never too late, Erhard.

[said sincerely.]

Whether Koide had people who were more important to him doesn't matter, he was important to you.

[a pause-- she's seriously hesitating.]

You still let yourself get close to someone.

[cryosurgeon]

Most of them think I've lost my mind. I don't have to be a genius at reading facial expressions to know that.

[He shakes his head.]

Koide wanted my blood. I wanted to sleep. The effect of the bite allowed that. I still barely knew anything about him, so I wouldn't say we were close. I wish we were, but clearly he and Anon were closer.

[His chest clenches, making him falter again. Once it eases, he gives a soft sigh.]

Ann, can I ask you a possibly asinine question?

[fullbodied]

[she inhales, and then sighs softly. She tucks her hair behind her ear.]

... What did you want to know?

[cryosurgeon]

[The way he looks at her is strangely vulnerable, almost... childlike, for just a flicker.]

... what does jealousy feel like?

[fullbodied]

... Like...

Ice in your heart, and yet... you only want to destroy whatever's between you and the person or thing you love.

[she pauses and in an equal moment of vulnerability:]

Please, Erhard... don't let that push you to kill. I'm begging.

[cryosurgeon]

[... so that's it, then. What he's been feeling every time he sees Sora and Riku, Syaoran and Takumi, Anon and Natsuno. It makes sense, he probably should have known, but without being certain he didn't want to admit it.]

There's no one here I would kill for something like that. I wouldn't kill over any of my own feelings. I want to save lives, not take them.

[fullbodied]

... Erhard...

I think all of us would kill for something.

Nirrti is counting on it-- even for me. We need to talk to each other.

[cryosurgeon]

[He asked Takumi to keep the secret, but... Ann looks so upset....]

... I wasn't going insane back there, with the distortion. I was trying not to cry.

[fullbodied]

... Can...

Can I hug you?

[cryosurgeon]

[He wanted to maintain distance so badly, but he cares about Ann's well-being more than his own protection.

So he nods.]

[fullbodied]

[she approaches him-- and gives him a soft hug.]

... I'm sorry, Erhard.

[cryosurgeon]

[He nods and takes a deep, slow breath.

The first tear lands somewhere in Ann's hair.]

[fullbodied]

[her hug tightens then. She doesn't know what else to do-- she just knows... a little how that pain feels.]

[cryosurgeon]

[He's not one to sob, not even tormented by Maria's rage and his own guilt, but the silent tears keep coming. Now and then he shudders slightly or takes a soft breath.

Sometimes it has to hurt if it's going to heal.]

[fullbodied]

... Erhard.

Even if you aren't someone's "most important" person... You shouldn't discount the relationship you have with them, either.

You clearly cared about Koide-kun.

[cryosurgeon]

... I thought we could help each other. We're both introverted loners. I'd hoped he would open up more than he did, but... somehow he trusted Anon more.

[There's that awful pang again. Why someone like Anon, who was so cruel and callous?]

I didn't want to pry too hard and drive him away.

[fullbodied]

Don't compare your relationship with Koide with his relationship with Anon. They're clearly different, and why does one have to be less?

[cryosurgeon]

I don't know, Ann. This is all new to me. These feelings... I never asked for them.

[But he can imagine what caused this. It's the same thing that's caused most of his mental issues: his parents' abandonment of him. If they didn't want him, why would anyone else?]

[fullbodied]

I know it's a lot but... That's what happens when you open up to people.

You'll get different kinds of connections, and they're all important in their own way. It's not fair to yourself to compare them.

[cryosurgeon]

I know... I know I'm fortunate to have any connections at all. They all feel so tenuous, though. But it's all just in my head, isn't it? I've lived with self-doubt for so long, I can't shut it off.

[fullbodied]

But becoming someone's most important person isn't the only way to make those connections stronger.

And no matter how tenuous... You still felt it, right?

[cryosurgeon]

... yes. I don't want to lose those connections, even if I'm only marginally important to someone.

I don't want to be alone anymore.