thefoundation | ROUND 6

[ Time to turn around to hook an arm around them both. ]

Let's make haste then before anyone notices.

Right!

[Off they go... to talk about feelings.]

[and vibrate in their fake skin about confessing feelings--or maybe that's just him.

COZY ROOM 4 IS COZY]

[ That's definitely him. WWX just changes topics or puts someone else in the spotlight. ]

[Meanwhile, Yachi is turning down the beds before they get shifted together, giving the boys the time they need to find their words or banter until Dazai is comfortable enough to start The Talk.]

[... he has no idea what to say or do to get comfortable so in fact, it's time to just eat his feet.]

Were other missions with the Foundation this comfortable and we just drew the short straws last time, do you think?

We definitely drew the short straws. They didn't know what to really do with us back then, and didn't even know how to do proper research. Aiya, just thinking about it still gives me a headache.

[ Even if he bullshitted most of the time and may have given others a headache at the end there whoops. ]

They do seem to be getting better about missions at least. We also have someone who has been here before acting as a guide.

[ Solomon is doing something good ]

Well, they had decades to get better.

[She fluffs a pillow, keeping her voice light even as the words get heavier.]

...Time stood still for us, but things... changed a lot. I don't think that's bad.

[he's looking at his own hands at that, watching his fingers move, muscles flex and relax.]

"Time stood still for us"... that's certainly true.

Though, even if we'd escaped along with Sissel and Saphir, we wouldn't have remembered everything that happened. It's kind of odd to think of it as a bad option, though.

... then again, it would have been twenty years. Probably on the run from the Foundation.

Edited 2020-08-11 05:34 (UTC)

I can't even imagine being twenty years older. I already feel like I lived two lifetimes already.

[ Thinking for a moment. ]

It probably wouldn't be hard to dodge the Foundation back then. Saphir managed to do it, and everyone outside of the mansion forgot he existed.

...

['We,' he says. But it doesn't sound quite right.]

If I hadn't gone back in, I... I can't even imagine where I'd be now. Some middle-aged design executive, maybe, until I remembered.

[And hated herself soundly for forgetting. For leaving.]

That's why I think, in a way, it was actually a bad option.

... I wouldn't want to forget.

[he hesitates because. words. hard?]

How it actually happened... I thought, before, that was okay. But now I think I was just an idiot who got shot by his own gun and dragged someone else down with him.

Because I thought I knew what I wanted.

I hate being right, but being wrong about something like that is... a lot worse, actually.

I'm the idiot who got stabbed by his undead lover, while not paying attention.

[ He had thought he saw Ango there, but chose to let down his guard anyways and do what he thought would work.

He'll fold his arms against his chest as he moves over to the bed. The lovers' death was something that Dazai and Hitoka discussed together originally. It does feel a bit like he might be intruding. ]

...I could have left. I had hit my limit, blew right past it, but... the doctor, he fixed me up. I could have run away, like Dr. Saphir.

[She gently sets the pillow down, and turns to look at them both.]

I chose to come back in, all on my own. WE made that promise, but... but even if we hadn't, I wouldn't have wanted to leave you all behind. The doctor was setting up a way to keep everything contained, so... so I didn't have to warn anybody. I could do whatever I wanted, and as far as I knew, nobody but him would ever know my choice.

[She lifts her chin.]

And I chose you. All of you. And that's not anybody's fault, because it's what I chose, Osamu. ...you probably don't want to hear it, but Sho-kun was kind to me, at the end. Even as flooded with miasma as they were, Rosa-san and Rin-chan were kind too, in their own ways, and neither of them lifted a finger against me. You... were gone at that point, I think, but not manifested.

[She had hoped to be finished, before he could manifest. Idly, she rubs a hand over where her body had been torn apart. She hadn't felt it, thanks to Sho taking pains to paralyze her first, but as a ghost it had been imprinted upon her skin, all the same.]

...I know you didn't want me to die. And... and I know that it made you happy, to be chosen above... above everything else that 'could have been,' Osamu. You're as charmingly greedy as you are frustratingly self-sacrificing, sometimes.

[Her voice is terrible, in its gentleness.]

And I figure that the tug-of-war between all those feelings has probably been upsetting you, too. But I wasn't sure which parts specifically, or if you were ready to talk about it.

[But, evidently, he is now.]

...so. What did you think you wanted, and what did you actually want? I won't put words in your mouth, for this one.

[asking that sort of question like it hasn't haunted him all his life--but no, she knows quite well what sort of question it is. he hasn't forgotten. it wasn't long, but for a time, in the time they were part of the curse, it was all laid bare, wasn't it? he's been trying not to think about it, but that was just denial.

but actually having to say it for himself... can he even think of the right words for it? what had been that thought right near the end when he'd been bleeding out?

Is it really okay to be happy about this? --"this" being...

he's quiet for a long moment, not looking away from her resolute and determined stare or from where her hands go except for a glance over to WWX--more in a bid to remind himself that the people in the room are only people he could be so honest with--vulnerable]

... I really... hate it. That I can be so short-sighted. We talked about it, we went over the reasons, we came to the agreement, but... it's exactly what you said.

I didn't actually want you to die. And I--

[here's where the words get caught in his throat. because they're strange, unfamiliar. how many years had he declared the exact opposite, asked questions about worth and rates of successes vs failures--if he says this, then wouldn't it make everything that he's done up to this point just a huge, terrible joke?

in the end, they come out almost too quietly, timid, almost mournful, exactly opposite of the buffoonish act he put on for others,]

I didn't... want to die... either. Not when--when I might have... found it. I don't want to lose it again.

... I really am very greedy, you know. And my experiences are always that when I reach for something I want, it inevitably gets taken away. It's terrifying. But even if that's the case... I don't think... I want to stop trying to reach for it this time.

[She reaches a hand out to him, an open offer. She wants to cling to him as tight as she can, right now, but he seems so... fragile.]

There's nothing wrong with your perspective and priorities changing, Osamu. Goals and desires are built on all the experiences you've collected so far, right? So, the more you collect, the more those things might change. No matter how long you might have wanted something, or thought you did, or tried to get it, there's no crime in not wanting something. I promise.

[She smiles a little for him, soft as always.]

Can you say what 'it' is, yet?

[WE, huh? It's the look they both give him that does confirms it's alright for him to be there. He keeps his mouth closed as he listens to them both.

Giving a nod at Hitoka's words as he smiles. Closing his own hands to keep from touching until after Dazai makes a move. ]

You know, it's the best part about being alive. Being able to change your goals and desires.

[ Growing, changing, wanting to try, or wanting to succeed. They are all good things, but he's not going to voice too much of that out loud especially since Dazai has felt like a failure and couldn't see what good he has done for a while. They should work on that and figure a way he could see that progress.

For now, he'll stay where he is watching the pair of them. Hitoka really is something. ]

[she really is and it's just as terrifying as he said but not in a bad way and that's where a lot of the confusion settles in--"terrifying in a good way", what nonsense.]

... I didn't know what it could be for the longest time, that's why I ended up in that ward where Mori-san found me. Why I threw myself into the mafia, seeing it might be there. And maybe it was, a little, but I couldn't tell until that person said I'd probably only find what I expected, the hole wouldn't be filled...

[rough things to be told by Real Important Person, really.]

And maybe... that would have been true but for the circumstances in that house. Before that, I didn't expect most people to understand or even remotely conceive of how it can be like to just be like that, no escape. Even now, there's no miasma and I'm still... every bit like that experience.

... except... maybe... it'd be a lot, saying "a reason to live", wouldn't it? And not very clear and very selfishly worded, but--you've said it so easily, I'm a little jealous, you know?!

[the small outburst of petulance is really more because he's so embarrassed? which of course goes into the embarrassment of being embarrassing which is also embarrassing. there is nothing but mortification at his treacherous feelings!]

I don't know what "happiness" is like for me, but probably with you has been the closest I've gotten to it, so it follows...

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what is he saying? WHAT IS HE SAYING?!

...

DIGS OUT A THING IN HIS POCKET?!?!?!]

O-Osamu...

[She flushes, thunderstruck. She had known he wanted to talk, but this is... this is a lot more forthright and blatantly honest than she was expecting. There's a struggle, to be sure, but there's no dancing around the issue, no off the cuff jokes to take the pressure off.

There's just him, and his feelings.

And her crab, still kept close, and obviously cherished.]

...does that, um... a-are you happy living with me?

[ That's endearing more than it has any right to be. Him holding the crab she made him. This time, he'll keep his mouth closed to let Dazai get the words out without ruining it.

The important thing from this is that Dazai wants to live and found something worth holding on to. He can't wait for Ango to hear about it... ]

[omg don't embarrass him more! the thought of Ango hearing about all of this hasn't even crossed his mind yet. he's too busy fighting down mortification and panic responses because now HE'S the one getting flustered and he doesn't get flustered, tyvm!!!]

I--... how am I supposed to define that? [realtime watch as Dazai Osamu struggles with the concept of "happiness" because in fact, he is still just living miasma of despair and depression and self-loathing but also] Do I feel calm with I'm with you? Yes, very much so, in fact. A lot of it is soft edges and firm handling, so I don't have any complaints on that point. Do I feel understood? Yes, conditionally, but those conditions can't be helped and you still manage to hit on points others don't. Do I get surprised or caught off-guard in ways that make me want to laugh and kiss you? Yes, that's... certainly happened more than once at this point, and that's probably even more indicative of it. Would I be horrifically bereft if something does happen and everything goes wrong and it's all taken away? Yes. More than anything, I know that for sure.

...

Am I happy? Saying this much... I want to run and throw myself into the icy river just to get my head cooled down enough to think a bit more sensible, but that's also not advisable since I've already said I wouldn't do things like that, but... maybe that's... how it feels?

[is... is that happy? is this happy???]

Th...

[Her hands rise to cup her face, because... well, oof. What he just described is not the exact feelings she was expecting out of a conversation about the mansion and what happened there. But now, she's bright red and doing her best to struggle against the rising shyness, because this is important. This is such a big step for him.]

That's, um, that's... a bit... a b-bit more than just happiness, I-I think..,.

[ Be still his beating hard because they both are adorable and all he wants to do is hug them tight. ]

Feelings and the like aren't ever sensible, which is fine. It does sound like a bit more than happiness.

[ It sounds like it may even be love from what he's read from poems and seen of people. He doesn't dare say love, because it's Dazai. While Dazai may love, him wrapping his mind around the fact might be a whole other thing entirely. He does finally approach them, putting an arm around Hitoka first to pull her over closer to Dazai. ]

I hate to ruin this moment but you should know it's getting a bit hard to keep my hands off of you. I am a selfish mistress after all.

[ He won't touch though, not until he gets the okay from Dazai precisely because this moment is huge. ]

[... and now he must truly throw himself into the river.]

I-is it...

[well, no. he suspected. but.

oh no.

how much did he say? what did he say? he's already forgotten it was a lot and oh noooo now there's touches and embraces? he die. he truly die.

... yes his face is very red and looking between Yachi and WWX a little startled, paper crab still in hand.]

I... suppose so...

It's, um. It's... you don't have to use the word for it, if you don't feel ready.

[She's said it before, but she's had years of encouragement and training to shout out her deepest feelings. And she's more than willing to wait for him, as evidenced by what she thought this talk might be about.]

...is, is there more you wanted to talk about? Or, um... well, like Xian-kun, I-I kind of really want to kiss you right now.

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cw: trauma, gore mention, death

Re: cw: trauma, gore mention, death

hopping ahead of wwx for this round

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